Episode Five - ''Twas the Night Before Christmas'

Elenor Haines was applying some lipstick to her mouth when the door buzzer rang. She checked her Cartier watch -- it said 3.15 pm, which meant that it had to be her younger brother Daniel at the door. Elizabeth had already phoned to apologise that she was going to be late because of bad traffic, and that she'd meet everyone at Mum and Dad's house in East Grinstead, and Uncle Gideon wasn't due with the Rolls Royce until four. Elenor finished off her lips, gave her hair another couple of quick brushes, checked her profile in the mirror twice and then ran to the door to unlock it.

"Daniel! Merry Christmas, little brother!" Elenor gave Daniel a big hug as he stood on the landing of the third floor of Victory Mansions in Notting Hill, with a wet carrier bag full of garishly gift-wrapped presents in his arms. "Is it raining outside? Oh, my God..." Elenor stepped back suddenly, "what are you wearing?"

Daniel looked down, bemused. "It's a t-shirt, sis, for an American band I like called No Hope. You wouldn't know them."

"I'm not talking about the t-shirt."

Daniel sighed and fiddled with his matted blonde hair. "It's a skirt, okay. You know, like the one you're wearing."

Elenor stared at her 17-year-old brother. He was indeed wearing a black No Hope t-shirt with the sleeves ripped away, a black miniskirt, thick woolen leggings, a pair of thick rambling socks, a pair of army boots and studded wrist bands.

"But why..."

"It's called fashion, sis -- you wouldn't understand. The lead singer of No Hope wears one."

Elenor led Daniel into the apartment and closed the door. Everything inside was clean, warm and sparkling with Christmas tree lights and tinsel. The homely smell of warm mince pies and winter spices filled the air. "You have brought some spare clothes, haven't you? Uncle Gideon will flip if he sees you like that."

"I don't particularly care what Uncle Gideon thinks."

"We're staying with him for Christmas. You're not thinking of going to Church like that?"

Daniel shrugged and deposited himself on Elenor's sofa.

"Daniel, you can't go to Midnight Mass dressed like that."

"Fine. I don't want to go there, anyway. Why do we have to do this stupid Mass thing every year, anyway?"

"Because it means something to us."

"Well, it doesn't mean anything to me. God doesn't exist - it's all just a waste of time."

Elenor stood in front of the sofa. "Daniel, please, this is Christmas; we're getting together as a family -- don't ruin things. Can't you make an effort for me, for Mum and Dad, for our Uncle? Why do you want to spoil things?"

"Because I'm tired of always going to Uncle's old house every Christmas. It's in the middle of nowhere, and there's never anything to do. And his weird chauffeur, Pierce, freaks me out. Why does he always have to hang around with us every year? He's got to be Uncle Gideon's leather bum boy. He looks like a gay S&M pinup in that uniform."

Elenor closed her eyes and sighed. "Our Uncle is not gay."

"Oh, come on, sis, of course he's gay. I bet he's giving Pierce a good seeing to every night. I bet underneath that black uniform, Pierce is wearing nipple clamps. He is so fucking queer."

Elenor held her hands up. "Daniel -- stop it -- just stop it! I don't want this on Christmas Eve."

Daniel placed both his muddy boots on the coffee table. "Do you like my boots? They're army surplus UN issue -- guaranteed worn in combat in a tour of duty in Angola or East Timor or somewhere like that. Cool, eh? Sally gave them to me for Christmas. Have you opened any of your presents yet?"

"Just Alyson's." Elenor sat down on the sofa next to her brother and gently lifted his muddy feet off her coffee table. "You know Alyson -- she works in the office upstairs from me. She was injured when Atom Man attacked the DeBeers building a couple of months ago."

"Oh yeah," Daniel laughed, "my big sis the super hero. I can't believe you're doing that -- it is just sooo embarrassing."

"What's embarrassing about it?" Elenor ran her fingers through Daniel's hair, feeling the tangled knots that suggested it hadn't been washed or combed for several days. "Look at the state of your hair -- you've got split ends."

"It doesn't matter. Let go." Daniel tried to brush her hand away.

"Your hair could look really good if you took care of it. Use one of my conditioners..."

"Just leave it, okay!" Daniel brushed his sister away.

Elenor sighed again and reached for a plate of mince pies. "Would you like a mince pie? Don't worry about the cream -- it's that new 'ButterCow' brand they advertise on TV -- only 40 calories per helping."

Daniel laughed but helped himself to one of the pies and scooped two helpings of cream to go with it. "You don't change."

"So what's the problem with me being a super hero?" Elenor reached for a bottle of Bollinger and poured them both a glassful.

"You have to ask?" Daniel scoffed the first mince pie down quickly. "Are you planning on telling Mum and Dad?"

"Well, I haven't really decided..."

"Well, don't, sis. Apart from the fact that you're fighting dangerous psychopaths -- I can't go anywhere without seeing my sister on every newspaper, magazine and TV show."

"Is that so bad? People like me."

Daniel groaned. "My friends have got a poster of you on their wall. It's that one from Geezer magazine. For God's sake, sis, what were you thinking of?"

"It was just a shot of me lying in a ruffled bed, looking up at the camera. I was still wearing my clothes. They paid me a thousand pounds for that shot."

"Yeah, but it was the way they did it -- it was the whole 'phwoar, wouldn't you like to shag her' thing about it. I didn't like it."

"That's my little brother speaking." Elenor hugged him. "Thank you."

"It's embarrassing when people talk about you, when people describe what they'd like to do to you, that's all. I just hear it all the time."

"But you asked about my presents. Alyson and I swapped presents last night. We always get together in a wine bar on the 23rd December and have our own special Christmas together. She gave me this brilliant book." Elenor reached for the hardback book resting on the coffee table. "It's a biography of Bloodhawk, written by an American called Paul Draper. I really love books. It's really interesting, and its got a colour photo section from his Tabula Rasa days until last year."

"I don't like him."

"Why? Bloodhawk's a really nice man. He helped me out on that hydrofoil."

"Yeah, well, he was in the Tabula Rasa. A leopard doesn't change his spots."

"You are so wrong about him. You are just so wrong, Daniel."

"He's arrogant. All American super heroes are arrogant. I don't like them. I wish that one day they'd all get together in one place to fight each other, and then we could drop a big bomb on them and kill off the entire lot. And then we could get back to living our lives again. Do you ever wonder what the world would have turned out like if we didn't have super heroes? I think it would have been great."

"Well, I'm part of the club now, Daniel."

"And I said I didn't like it. I don't like the idea of you being with those people. They're not human."

Elenor laughed. "Most of them are, little brother -- most of them are just like you and me. They go to work, they have girlfriends and boyfriends and they probably spend Christmas with their families."

"Super heroes don't have families," said Daniel. "Everyone knows that."

Elenor and Daniel sat on the sofa for a while in silence. Daniel finished off his champagne and poured himself another glass. "You know what I don't like about Uncle Gideon," said Daniel after a while.

"No, what?"

"I don't like the fact that he's rich and that Mum and Dad aren't."

"That's not fair, Daniel; you know he gives Mum and Dad money all the time. He looks after his brother."

"Yeah, and have you ever noticed the way that Dad looks? That hangdog expression of a man who knows that his family owes its good fortune to his brother. Poor Dad lives in Gideon's shadow. You can see it in his eyes. It's like at Christmas -- like now -- Dad saves up his money and buys you something -- he spends a couple of hundred pounds on you, and he so desperately wants to give you things because he loves you. And what happens? You unwrap Dad's presents and you kiss him and say they're great, and then fucking Uncle Gideon comes along in his Rolls Royce, and Pierce the bum-boy walks in wearing his Gestapo uniform, with an armful of presents from Paris that cost a year's salary. And you, sis, are wetting yourself with excitement when you open his presents. Who gave you that watch?"

"What?" Elenor gazed at her Cartier watch. "Uncle..."

"Yeah. Last year. Just one of ten presents, right? Do you know what that watch costs? Do you? I looked it up on the Internet at college -- it costs three and a half thousand pounds. Dad gave you a necklace. I don't see you wearing that much. What's the matter -- wasn't it expensive enough? It probably cost Dad all the money he had spare that month."

"Daniel..." Elenor sniffed and rubbed her nose. "That isn't fair. You know I love Dad."

"Yeah, but you'd love him even more if he gave you a two week, five-star holiday in Bali, like Uncle Gideon did for your birthday. And how much spending money did you get so that 'my favourite niece doesn't want for anything'? You're so shallow, sis."

"You know it's not like that, Daniel. You know it's not."

"Yeah? Just take a look at Dad's face tomorrow when our Uncle gives you a new car for Christmas. Oh sorry, I've just let the cat out of the bag -- he's only gone and bought you a red Ferrari for Christmas. You'll find the keys gift wrapped on the fourteen-foot-tall Christmas tree in his hall."

Elenor turned away and poured herself another glass of champagne. She downed it quickly in one.

"Nice champagne, by the way -- vintage, isn't it?" said Daniel. "Let me guess, eighty pounds a bottle? You've got another four on the kitchen table. Is Chic magazine paying well now?" Daniel picked up the discarded gift tag from the six-bottle crate. The Sender was Mr G Haines. "And have you ever noticed that you always get the best presents? I don't care personally, because I don't want his charity, but what about Lizzie? She never gets anything as good as you do. How do you think that makes her feel? Let's be honest, sis -- you're the niece who's thin and pretty. Lizzie doesn't have your looks. That's why I don't like him."

Elenor held her face in her hands. "This... isn't... fair..."

"Congratulations, sis; so many people in the world have been saying that for years now."

Elenor wiped her eyes dry and turned to face her brother. "We all get good presents. Our Uncle loves us all. Would you rather we were poor?"

Daniel stared into Elenor's eyes for a moment, and then he answered, "Yes. Then Mum and Dad would be happier."

"Daniel -- you wouldn't even be at college if it wasn't for our Uncle. He's paying for everything. And he'll make sure you find a good job when you leave college."

"I'm not taking a job from him. I'm not sure I'll even stay in this country."

And then the doorbell rang again.

"That'll be him," said Daniel. "And bum boy will be close behind."

Elenor got up and walked across the room to her bedroom. She picked up some mascara and quickly touched up her eyes so that it wouldn't be obvious that she'd been crying. The doorbell rang again.

"Better not keep him waiting if you want a red Ferrari!" shouted Daniel from inside the living room.

Elenor walked back through her apartment and opened the door. Standing there, dressed in an expensive Italian suit and a black cashmere overcoat was her uncle, Gideon Haines. Gideon was in his mid- to late forties, with healthy, tanned skin, showing a few signs of wrinkles when he smiled, and expensively cut greying brown hair. He wrapped his arms around Elenor's thin body and hugged her to his chest, kissing her on the cheek. "My little Elenor," he said, smiling like the proudest Uncle in the world. "Merry Christmas, sweetheart."

Elenor hugged him back, as she always did. "Merry Christmas," she replied. Gideon strode into the room, rubbing his hands together, as he gazed around at the furnishings and the art deco prints.

"Your new place looks good, Elenor. You have a fine eye for design." Gideon turned to see his nephew sitting on the sofa, wearing a skirt. "Hello, Daniel. How's college?"

"It's okay." Daniel opened another bottle of Bollinger and let the champagne trickle into his glass.

"Good. How were your end-of-term exams?"

Daniel shrugged. "Fine."

"I think you'll like your presents this year, Daniel. I've got a bit of a surprise waiting for you under the tree."

Daniel's expression didn't change in the slightest. "Great."

"And for you..." Gideon turned round and took Elenor's hand, "well, my main present is a bit too big to wrap, but I did my best..." He winked. "You're going to be so excited, Elenor." His eyes sparkled. Elenor smiled, wishing her brother hadn't spoilt the moment.

Pierce walked in through the open door. He was tall, young (a youthful 23 years of age) with a very short haircut, a pierced ear, clean skin and a certain boyish charm about him. As always, he was dressed in a formal old-fashioned black chauffeur's uniform, cut to accentuate his fit young body.

"Ah, Pierce." Gideon clasped his hands tightly together. "We won't waste any time here."

"Yes, Sir," said Pierce. His cap was tilted at a jaunty angle.

"If my nephew and niece would care to go downstairs, they'll find the Rolls Royce waiting for them. Pierce will fetch your bags down shortly."

"Do you want a hand, Uncle?" asked Elenor, reaching for her travel bag.

"Leave that to me, Miss Elenor." Pierce took the handle before Elenor could reach it. He smiled and gently lifted her hand away.

"Yes, leave it to Pierce, he knows what he's doing. Hurry on down to the car -- there's some caviar and a far better champagne than this old slop!" Gideon laughed. "Who bought you this cheap bubbly anyway, Elenor?"

"You did, Uncle."

Gideon laughed again. "So I did -- standards must be slipping in Harrods, eh Pierce?"

"Yes, Sir," said Pierce with a smile.

"I'll buy a better label next time round." Gideon grinned and emptied the remainder of the bottle down the kitchen sink. He waited until he heard Elenor and Daniel leave, then he put down the bottle and turned to regard his black-clad chauffeur.

"Well," he said after a while.

"Shall I?" asked Pierce.

"Yes," mused Gideon. "You may as well fix the pinhole camera now -- it saves you breaking into Elenor's apartment during the day sometime when she's out working."

"Which camera stopped sending pictures, sir?"

"The pinhole camera in the television set. It's probably just a loose connection. It shouldn't take you more than a couple of minutes to replace it."

Gideon plucked a flower from a vase in the hallway and pinned it to the lapel of his coat as Pierce set to work fixing the spy camera. Gideon smiled, thinking of the family weekend ahead, and began to whistle a little Christmas tune...